


Off

by Elacular



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen, Growing Up, Off Colors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-11-07 11:24:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11057943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elacular/pseuds/Elacular
Summary: When gems are young, they have memory issues. It takes a few decades to start growing out of it. Padparadscha is still early in that process.





	Off

The hole she was hiding in was much bigger than her. 

 

Even with her eye closed, Padparadscha could tell that. She could hear the air of the cave echoing around her.

 

She could also hear it when the Rutiles’ footsteps came close, and hear their knees touch the ground. She could feel their body near hers as they crawled into the exit hole with her. She couldn’t be sure whether she was hearing them in the past, the future, or just now when they finally spoke up. “Hey./Hi.”

 

“H-hello, Rutile.” She said, pressing her head lightly against the wall.

 

“What’s wrong?/Why are you crying? Is there something you need?/How can we help?”

 

One of their hands (it felt like the left one) landed on her shoulder, and she sobbed lightly. “The...the human Lars...he yelled at me after one of my predictions!”

 

“He did what?/What did he do?” She couldn’t help but open her eye, briefly, and saw the Rutiles glaring out of the hole.

 

“He apologized!” She said, grabbing their hand just as they were about to leave. “He apologized. He...he said there were still thing he was trying to stop being. And he was sorry I had to see that. He asked if I was okay. I said I was even though I wasn’t. I...I don’t know why I did that.”

 

In her mind’s eye, she could see Rutile’s two heads look worriedly at each other, a sure sign that it had happened a second or two ago, maybe longer. Her visions came less frequently if she kept her eye closed, and were easier to distinguish from the glimpses of the present she got through her bangs. After a moment, as the picture of them looking apprehensive crossed her mind, the Rutiles spoke again. “You’re...young./New. You’re very new./Only a few decades old. We did things we didn’t understand then too./You’re still having kindergartener’s amnesia. It’s getting better though./You had way more trouble just five years ago.”

 

Padparadscha laid down, placing her head in Rutile’s lap. It was thin, but not sharp, and one of Rutile’s hands landed on her hip while the other stroked her hair. “...Rutiles,” she said, and she felt the bottom of their chests vibrate as they hummed curiously. “Do you have any memories of when you were less than five decades old?”

 

“No/yes.” The two Rutiles paused, and Padparadscha couldn’t help but giggle. “Yes?/No?...” After a moment, they spoke together. “Sorta.” She could feel their bodies move slightly as they both nodded.

 

“What do you remember? I...I don’t know if I want to forget...all of what I am right now. All of what i’ve been?”

 

“Well, you’re becoming self aware./Fluorite says that’s when we first started making permanent memories./You’re probably close too.”

 

“That’s good at least. That means...that’ll make it easier for me to remember my powers don’t work.”

 

“I mean.../They do, just...”

 

“Just not right.” Padparadscha sat up, grabbing a stone from the hole and throwing it out, hearing it crack into a column.

 

She heard two voices sigh. “Look, I...no./ _ We _ know what it’s like to be angry with a part of yourself. A part that feels wrong./That feels unhelpful. We’ve been there./...on bad days, sometimes we’re still there.”

 

Padparadscha turned to face them, sitting on her knees. “What could you think that about? All of you is so helpful.”

 

“We try to be./We want to be. It makes us feel.../Needed?/...wanted.” The two of them sighed. “It’s like we said./ There are things we remember./ Even if we don’t want to.”

 

“What...wouldn’t you want to remember?”

 

“Before./The old days. It was when we were alone./ After we scared the others away. It was before we met Fluorite./ Well...smaller Fluorite and Peridot. We were alone. Sad/Angry/Scared. We were all we had./ We had to be there. We had to love each other./ Nobody else would. But...we were the problem./ That we were ‘we’ was the problem.”

 

The Sapphire screwed up her face. “But...you being a ‘we’ isn’t a problem. Me seeing the past...that can be.”

 

“Only because you can’t handle it yet./You’re still young and you have trouble remembering. We being ‘we’ was a problem./We met each other a thousand times before the idea sunk in. And even after that.../Even after that, ‘we’ were a problem, because we thought we were.” The two of them laughed bitterly. “We tried to fuse/lots of times. It never worked. Because.../We don’t know why. But after that.../after that, we thought that something had to change. We...argued? /Debated over who...” Their voices trailed off. 

 

Silence. An uncomfortably long one, even for Padparadscha, who was used to Fluorite. One thing her powers were undeniably good for, though, was seeing what people were going to say, even if they didn’t say it. So she opened her eye and watched their lips, repeating their words as they didn’t actually say them. “You fought over who you would...CUT OFF?”

 

Her mouth dropped open in horror, and the Rutiles quickly grabbed her in a hug. “Hey, hey, it’s okay!/That was so so long ago, nobody’s getting cut off now./Never ever.”

 

“How...how could you even think of that? How could you even imagine it? You’re both...wh..who did you want to cut off?”

 

“Me.” The two said it together, and she could picture the soft, sad smiles on their faces. “We couldn’t agree on who was the right one./Because neither of us were.”

 

“What...what would have even happened if you’d done it?”

 

“...we don’t know./We don’t  _ want _ to know.”

 

Padparadscha nodded. “Yeah...yeah. I don’t want to know either. I’m glad you’re here. Both of you. But...my future vision-or...or...my vision. It doesn’t seem like it does anything good. You both do good things.”

 

She felt two hands, one on her chin, gently tilting it up, the other beneath her bangs, softly pushing them out of the way. “Hey,” Padparadscha looked up and couldn’t help but giggle when she saw the Rutiles smiling softly down at her. “We don’t know what your vision will be like./Or what you’ll be able to use it for./But Off Colors like us?/We’re not like normal gems. We can change./We do change./And we never do it alone./You’ll always be with us, as long as we’re alive.”

 

Padparadscha opened her eye and found herself looking up at the Rutiles. She giggled softly and hugged them both, Each of their arms wrapping gently around her. “I just saw us having the most wonderful conversation.”

 

The rutiles laughed along with her. “We did too.”


End file.
